Friday, March 25, 2016

The long path to acceptance

I haven't written in a while. I don't know why. I'm lucky enough to work at a place that accommodates my disability which I am grateful for,but my job takes everything out of me. I'm tired often and let myself get distracted by books or television or sometimes nothing at all. I guess those are some of the reasons.

I also have been feeling depressed at times...not clinical diagnosed depression, but the depression of living for years with a chronic disability which has so greatly impacted my life. Simultaneously, I have felt a pulling back of many people I know or used to know. I don't know if it is just that I can't see people often so they forget about me, or if there is something about me now that repels people. Is it that I am sad and angry and that shows though in normal conversation? Even when I think I am being kind or sociable or even helpful, I often find that I have said something wrong. Have I lost all social skills during this long stretch of abnormal living? I honestly don't know.

This is difficult and a somewhat new experience that I am struggling with. I want to live a worthwhile and productive life. Although I can't do much due to this awful illness, I want my life to count for something. I want to be thought of and remembered for something good. I want to be helpful to someone but I seem to be the opposite...either a burden, or when I try to help, I go about it the wrong way.

So this all has sometimes just propelled me into a state of inaction. I don't want to write because I don't even know where to start. I also don't want to add to anyone else's depression. If you are reading this and can relate to feeling worthless, I do not know what to say to help you. I believe that everyone is worthwhile and has something to say. I just can no longer seem to find that part of myself.

My hope is that by brute force, since I propelled myself to write SOMETHING after a long break, that it will break this downward spiral I find myself in. A perpetual funk. My body is somewhat stronger this year but now I am hit with an emotional quicksand that paralyzes as much as my dyautonomia sometimes does. Will there ever be an end to this? Sometimes I think back to the funny girl I used to be who liked absurd jokes and activity. I loved the sun and being outdoors and felt joy in being able to walk or do housework or visit a restaurant. Where did she go? Is she still there? Or is she gone for good?

I don't know.

Is it trite to say that sometimes what saved me was this twitter account? It's true. People I've never met have at times given my life meaning and hope. They listened to me and I listen to them. I have some people in my “real” life also who haven't run for the hills. I am so grateful for them. I am working hard on trying to be thankful and grateful for what I have. Perhaps that will be how I find my way back. I do have much to be grateful for. I just have grown weary of the tremendous effort it takes daily to focus on those things while also finding the daily strength to get out of bed, and fight sometimes just to stand up.

I'm so tired. I want to be normal again. Maybe it's just taken this many years to figure out I will never be normal again. I will never be who I used to be. Is acceptance a stage you go through like a stage of grief? 

I thought it was giving up to accept things. But after all these years, it seems like the right thing to do. 

Here's to my new normal, no longer with a hope for recovery but with the beginning of peace in accepting what I am today. 

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