A Lesson from a Deer

"A wounded deer leaps the highest" 
Emily Dickenson

A few days ago, a deer walked out into the middle of a shallow point in the Maumee River.  It has been unseasonably warm here, and the ice on the river was breaking up.  Unfortunately, after he got half way across, the river refroze around him and he became trapped in ice up to his knees.  Local rescue groups could not help him; they didn't have the equipment needed and it would have put lives at risk to make the attempt.  Food was thrown to him but birds got it before he could.  It was agonizing and heartbreaking to watch his struggle and to see him get weaker.  The situation seemed hopeless.

The next morning however, much to everyone's amazement and happiness, the ice became slushy, and the deer was able to break his way free and make it to shore.  After 36 hours of no food and standing in freezing water, the deer somehow mustered an inner strength and saved himself.  My husband texted me: 

"Even with great struggle and despair, there can be hope!" 

That deer and my husband's words sort of symbolized what it is like to live with dysautonomia. Somehow watching the deer struggle under the most dire of conditions, and knowing the inner strength and resolve it took for him to fight for his life gave me a feeling of renewed hope at a time when I had started to lose it and  to think that this ordeal with POTS will never end.

I have been thinking of that deer a lot since then and telling myself to "Buck up!" (pun intended!) and re-focus on what I CAN do and quit feeling sorry for myself because I have a chronic illness.

I tried to come up with a clever line about how a deer and my dear (husband) have inspired me here but I have POTS brain tonight and nothing is coming to mind! 

If you are feeling low, I hope you'll remember this deer's story and be inspired. 

Christmas and dysautonomia

Christmas is supposed to be this time of good cheer and happiness and fun.  There are thousands of songs devoted to "the most wonderful time of the year" and whether you celebrate it for religious reasons, as a time of giving, or a massive extravaganza of gift exchanging, it's supposed to be a joyous experience. 

When you have POTS however, the holidays become a test of strength, endurance, mental and physical stamina, and extra management of symptoms.  Shopping for gifts (online of course since walking is out!) and wrapping them, sending cards, getting dressed to go out, cooking food, and visiting or being visited are all activities that are challenging for people with dysautonomia. 

Simultaneously, I feel blue and depressed at not being able to fully participate and having to sit home while knowing that other are celebrating.  It's hard to turn down invitations and to watch how much fun others are having and how many activities everyone has packed into their lives. It's depressing to say once again, "maybe next year" I can do this or that or whatever the activity or party is.

So how to get out of this frame of mind and enjoy the holidays?

I decided to make a list!  Here are my five top reasons that I'm glad I have hPOTS for the holidays:

    5. The inevitable flair up of IBS will ensure that I won't gain any weight.  Heck, I'll probably lose weight!
    4. I will have all the symptoms of being drunk without having to drink anything alcoholic!
    3. Nobody will expect me to help do the dishes after dinner!
    2. Since I will have a little extra time off work, I can catch up on multiple Law & Order SVU all day marathons!
    1. I get to see my newest nephew William!  :-) 

Oddly, I do feel better after making that list!  And there is an SVU marathon tonight so let the fun begin...

I wish everyone reading a very merry Christmas and GOOD HEALTH, happiness, peace, comfort, and prosperity in 2013!

Giving Thanks

All I want to do in this post is give thanks to a few folks who have helped me get through the past year and half. 

My most sincere and heartfelt thanks to:

• My awesome husband, who has stood by my side and has taken care of things too numerous to post here, and who tells me I will get better in my worst moments.
• My mom, who stayed with me when my husband was out of town, who brings me food, and who has helped take care of me at a time when I should be taking care of her.
• My dad, who wants me to get well, who always asks how I'm doing when I call, and who shares sometimes the bad luck that seems to follow me. (I think it is hereditary!)
• My brother and his wife who came when I called, who check on me, and who have given me my nephew.
• My friends who have never wavered in their support, who send cards and emails, who check up on me, and tell me it will be better some day. 
• My cousins, who send me cards and call, who help take care of my mom, and who are always there. 
•  My mother-in-law, who always asks about me in the midst of her own troubles, and my father-in-law, who is in much worse health than I am and who shares "war stories" with me. 
•  My sister in law, who has sent me emails of support.
• And my three sweet, funny, and sometimes annoying cats, who have always been there (not that they had a choice!) when I was lonely or down or sick.  :-)

I love you all and I am so determined to get better so that I can stop being a burden and become the person who is there for all of you.  You have all uplifted me and given me hope in the worst of times this year.

Writing about you has reminded me that although I have a disabling illness, I also am a very lucky woman indeed. 

Thank you from the bottom of my dysautonomial but very grateful heart.  :-) 

And a very heartfelt wish for a good Thanksgiving and good health to anyone who is reading.  If you are sick or alone on the holidays, remember that you aren't alone in your experience.  The day will pass and with tomorrow, there is always hope for a better day in some way. 

Singing the hyperadrenergic pots blues

ba da ba da bum
I get up and fall down
ba da ba da bum
I go back to bed
ba da ba da bum
The room's spinning madly
ba da ba da bum
WHAT'S WRONG WITH MY HEAD??

ba da ba da bum
So I went to my doctor
ba da ba da bum
He said "I know what you gots!"
ba da ba da bum
"Your brain just isn't working"
ba da ba da bum
"You have hyperadrenergic POTS!"

Refrain:
Oh I got the hPOTS blues da dum da dum
Oh yeah, I got the postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome blues.  da dum da dum
I'm sick all the time
I can't hardly rhyme!
I want to do more
But my brain's acting poor!
Oh yeah, I got the postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome blues. 

One more verse:
ba da ba da bum
I need to eat breakfast
ba da ba da bum
My cats need to be fed
ba da ba da bum
I drag my butt to the kitchen
ba da ba da bum
And then go right back to bed!

Refrain

This is a really silly posting I know.  But sometimes when all else fails, you just have to laugh or do something absurd. :-)

Please add your own POTS blues verse to the comments if you have one!

My report card this week: 4 D's

Depression, Despair, Down-in-the-dumps, and Dizzy. 

That pretty much sums up the past three days for me.  After weeks of feeling some recovery and feeling stronger, I got knocked back big time and had what I call a POTS "attack".  For me, this is where my blood pressure races out of control and I lose all strength in my body so I can't stand or function.  And recovery is slow...sometimes weeks, days at a minimum.  I spent 48 hours bedridden, barely able to get up to do the basic things like eating and going to the bathroom this past weekend.

I think what set it off for me was four stressful events:  having to get out of the house to visit someone (which I wanted to do but any external event causes me extreme stress since I don't know what my body will do), having a stressful event at work, having an argument with someone close to me, and having visitors to the house for the first time in a year.  All of this occurred within a period of a week and half.  It turned out to me too much for me and I was reminded that although I'm getting better, that things are still pretty fragile. 

Homeostasis.  As defined by wikipedia:  "In simple terms, it is basically a process in which the body's internal environment is kept stable."  

I want homeostasis for my body.  I want to live a normal life again.  I'm so tired of having to muster every bit of mental and physical strength just to do something simple like leave the house. 

But I don't have a choice in that matter right now so I am once again resorting to every last mental and physical trick to try to recover and get sort of back in the saddle.  I have learned that I need to continue to be careful and that recovery will be slow.  But I was getting better and I believe I will continue to do so.  It was just a couple steps back this weekend after several steps foward, that's all.  At least that is what I'm telling myself.  :-)  And yes, I can still smile, at least on my blog and in real life also.  :-) 

If you are reading this, I am asking something of you this time.  Please wish me strength.  I believe there is power in collective thinking.  Please send me good "vibes" and thoughts of health and strength.  I will do the same for you. 

Motivation

For those of you who are regular readers, I'm sorry for the lack of postings lately.  Along with having hPOTS, I am dealing with some issues in one area of my life right now that have negatively impacted me.  I can sum it up briefly by describing these issues as "mean people".  And I will leave it at that for now other than to say that I haven't felt motivated to write for a while. 

However, I did want to share with you something really really good that has happened, and that is the birth of my beautiful nephew William! 

William has been a strong positive motivation for me to get better and in one of my very few social outings this year, I went up to the hospital to visit him the day he was born.  I was able to get to his room with the help of a wheelchair and my husband who kindly pushed me around in it. 

My first impression of William is that he seems to be a calm and laid back little guy.  He let lots of people hold him and pass him around without much fuss on his very first day of life.  He cried a little when he didn't like something but then he got over what bothered him and just enjoyed laying around wrapped up snugly in a warm blanket. 

I'm going to try and take a cue from him and not spend so much time fussing and worrying about things that aren't worth any time fussing and worrying about.  And maybe I'll keep a warm blanket close at hand during the day.  :-)

Something I am looking forward to

I'm going to be a new aunt in a couple of weeks.  This will be the first grandchild for my parents and my only "blood" nephew (I am lucky enough to have seven awesome nieces and nephews via my husband). 

I am really excited and very much looking forward to meeting him!  In fact, in some weird way, I already feel a connection to him.  Living with POTS can be so depressing.  As I find ways to cope, my nephew has been like this beacon in the dark for me.  He has given me a renewed sense of motivation.  I want to be well so that I can get to know him and I am so happy for my parents who will now have a grandchild. 

I have conversations with him sometimes in my head and I like to think that in some cosmic way, he can hear me.  Even if that is completely implausible and silly, it makes me feel happy to talk with him.  I'm sure I will be his favorite aunt once he really can hear me.  :-)

Wouldn't it be great if babies were the cure for POTS?  :-)